A Brief Glossary of Theatrical Technical Terms

Actors	Persons who insist on moving and/or talking when you are trying to illuminate them
Audience	Persons that occupy the lavatory and bar at inconvenient times
Band	"Musicians" who turn up three hours late for the sound check and blame you
Bar	Sensible place to look for engineer
Barn Doors	Used to stop animals in a barn escaping
Bar Steward	Anyone or anything of which you disapprove
Bleeding	Adjective applicable to almost anything
Boom	That made you jump
Bulb	Something you plant in the garden
Channel	Very expensive French perfume
Check	American method of payment
Colour Magazine	supplement to Sunday newspaper
Cross-fade	Vanish in an annoyed manner (much used by producers)
Cue	Long line of persons waiting to get to the lavatory or bar
Cyberlights	Vicious metallic adversaries of Doctor Who
Dimmer	Less intelligent
Director	Tells you where to park your car
Engineer	Person who performs the impossible, usually yesterday, and 25% under budget
Flies	Something to remember after visiting the lavatory
Flown Bar	Place to look for an engineer on an aeroplane
Follow Spot	Chase around after the dog
Fuse	M6 bolt used as "safety" device in equipment
Gaffa Tape	Alternative to nuts, bolts, safety chains, hook clamps, scaff, insulation, blackwrap, etc...
Iris	Flower grown from a BULB
Leko Lantern	Welsh Spotlight
Light	Not on time, anywhere south of Oxford
Microphone	Something for singers to aim away from
Mixing Desk	Place to make complicated drinks
Musical Director	Welsh Clergyman who sings
PARCan	Leaving your car outside the venue
Plug	Persuade critic that you play is better than anybody else's
Producer	ridiculous person who demands the impossible, usually yesterday, and 25% under budget
Profile	Abrasive instrument used by person paid to do so
Prompter	Not so late
Pyrotechnics	Producers method of communication at times of stress
Rank Strand	Very smelly beach
Refuse	1) Replace broken M6 bolt 2) Say no to producer, usually just before being given last pay packet 3) The empty Pizza boxes and Beer cans ;left at the end of a show
Socket	Hit it with your fist
Spill	What happens to beer if you are careless with it
Spot	Quantity or refreshment
Stage left & right	Everyone else's right and left
Tabs	Brown stripy cats
Teasers	Ladies who remove their clothes on stage
Technical Rehearsal	Chaos. Useful for producing nervous breakdown in Producer, who may then let you get on with your job in peace.
Throw	The effect of musicals such as "The Sound of Music"
Trackspot	Follow the dog, using a magnifying glass
Upstage	The art of demonstrating how much better an actor you are than someone else
Varilight	Sting of low voltage lights for Christmas Trees
Wings	Paul & Linda McCartney's Band